The Zhongguo Inquirer

The Zhongguo Inquirer (full name: The Zhongguo Inquirer, The Msot Reptuable Nwes Orginization in all of Zhongguo; News By Zhongguoers, for Zhongguoers!) was a short-lived """news""" network started around the end of VMJ World. It was a cable news network in the style of Fox News, reporting on the politics of Zhongguo, and it featured many zany characters as anchors. It took a (generally) populist, pro-emperor stance, and spent most of its time attacking or praising political figures, only for the anchors to instantly change their opinion. They would also try to smear politicians, such as with the claim that MintyMichael loved shrimp scallopini, and spent taxpayer money on scallopini. This is of course not true, as Zhongguo had no taxes, and it would not even be possible to get shrimp scallopini in Minecraft.

Its reoccurring anchors included Wolf Schnitzel, Chucker Charleston, and Blonde-Haired Newslady. It also featured minor characters such as Robot Wolf Blitzer and Professor Smartypants.

It used a discord DND bot to operate its characters.

The section of its name "The Msot Reptuable Nwes Orginization" had to be misspelled on purpose to avoid a lawsuit.

The first program was announced on April 1st, at 6:42 PM EST, and ran on the same day, from 7:00 to 7:12 PM EST.

On April 6th, 8:39 AM EST, there were a few comments made by the "characters" regarding Multi's Folly 2, and the station was declared shut down for the time.

On April 22nd, 4:52 AM EST, the program was announced to be back, with a new program to coincide with the Second Zhongguo National Assembly Election. At 8:23 AM EST, the program was officially scheduled for 1:30 PM EST that same day. The second program actually started an hour early, at 12:27 PM EST. It ran until 12:42 PM EST, then switching to announcing the results of the Second Zhongguo National Election as they came out. From 12:42 to 12:45 PM EST, the victories of Tomad and Pussilamous were announced. Later that day, from 5:11 to 5:12 PM EST, the victories of SimonOG and MintyMichael were announced. Interestingly, the victory of Vegatable was never officially announced by the Inquirer.

First Broadcast Transcript
The Zhongguo Inquirer: Programming Starting Imminently - April 1st, 7:00 PM EST

Wolf Schnitzel

Hello everyone and welcome to the first Cable broadcast of the Zhongguo Inquirer.

Our first topic of discussion here tonight is the day in the National Assembly.

It seems as if it has been an average day, for the most part – of course, with the exception of the Prime Ministerial vote.

''The first bill passed was proposed by Prime Minister agnius06 himself – it was an infrastructure bill passed with unanimous consent. Not much to say there.''

However secondly, Mr Minty Michael of District 1 proposed that we publicly state that we are neutral on any war involving Portugal.

It only passed by three votes to two.

Chucker Charleston

''I just gotta say, this Minty Michael guy seems like a LIGHTWEIGHT. He wants us to PUBLICLY STATE our FOREIGN AFFAIRS positions? That is for the EMPEROR to decide. I mean, what, are some PACIFISTS now? Just recently, we used our military power for the good of the world in kicking Madagascar off the face of said world!''

Blonde-Haired Newslady

I completely agree – You know, I heard that it's been said that everyone who voted in favor of this bill is a chicken weenie who has no respect for the flag or the troops!

Chucker Charleston

''You know, I have great respect for Mr Tomad and Ms Budew – they stood up for what's right in voting against this bill. And what's right is the emperor having the privacy to decide to puntkick everyone and anyone he wants to! This RIDICULOUS bill makes it so that we cannot get involved in wars regarding Portugal, even if we could benefit!''

Wolf Schnitzel

Interesting.

Speaking of Ms Budew, she then proposed a bill to ban unethical villager breeding.

Chucker Charleston

''This bill is an ATTACK! It's a violation of our rights! I mean, first you're banning villager breeding. Then you're banning owning villagers. Next thing you know, we're living in George Orwell's 1984 with any criticism of Ms Budew being met with the Death Penalty!''

Blonde-Haired Newslady

''Exactly! Ms Budew is a RADICAL who wants to take away our rights until we don't even have the right to vote her out!''

Chucker Charleston

''Too True! And might I add that 100% of the nation voted in our recent election!''

''I mean, do you want a nation where your right to vote is taken away when we've just seen the highest level of voter enthusiasm, possibly ever? I don't think so. Well this bill is just the first part of that! In short, Jenny Budew is an anti-democratic, totalitarian, liberal leftist with dreams of destroying the economy!''

Wolf Schnitzel

Let us move on.

Robot Wolf Blitzer

father why will you not notice me

Chucker Charleston

''GET OUT OF HERE YOU DUMB HUNK OF METAL! GET A JOB!''

Wolf Schnitzel

''Earlier today, Agnius06 was elected Prime Minister. Thoughts?''

Blonde-Haired Newslady

''Well personally, I love the guy. I think he's got a great head on his shoulders – and as a matter of fact, I don't think it's possible for him to do wrong. He led an impeccable foreign mission to Mingguo. Honestly, these naysayers just don't know what they're talking about. It's simply immoral not to vote for Agnius06.''

Chucker Charleston

''Yeah, I completely agree. In fact, I'll take off my shirt in his honor.''

Blonde-Haired Newslady

wait no-

Chucker Charleston

rips off his shirt

Wolf Schnitzel

You say Agnius can do no wrong, but he voted for the Foreign Neutrality bill you just railed against just minutes ago.

Chucker Charleston

HE DID WHAAAAAT?

''HE SHOULD BE IMPEACHED! REMOVED FROM OFFICE! EXPUNGED FROM THE COUNTRY! HE'S A TERRORIST, HE'S PLOTTING TO BLOW UP SUIRENZHEN, AND HE'S A MINGGUO SEPERATIST WHO WANTS TO DESTROY US FROM THE INSIDE!''

Blonde-Haired Newslady

''Yeah! You know, I've heard that it's been said that some people think that experts say that Agnius "Oh Six" was actually not eligible to be elected. I mean, what other explanation is there for this act of treason?''

Professor Smartypants

Actually, Agnius was eligible, and voting for this bill is not tr-

Chucker Charleston

''SHUT UP YOU FAT BITCH! GOD, YOU'RE SUCH A NERD! I'D WAGER THAT YOU'RE A TRAITOR TOO!''

Robot Wolf Blitzer

starts scratching on the TV in the background

Wolf Schnitzel

Well, it appears we're out of scheduled time.

Remember – watch Pibbosaurus rex rise, and as he scrapes the skies,

Chucker Charleston

''Are you really reading off your poetry? God, people watch Dead Poets Society once and think they're so cool they can go on national TV and start reading their work to the whole country.''

''You're such a nerd, Wolf. Get a real job. Find a wife. And take care of your son, he's clearly been neglected.''

And as for the-

Wolf Schnitzel

We're out of time.

The Zhongguo Inquirer: THAT IS THE END OF THE PROGRAM

audience boos

Second Broadcast Transcript
The Zhongguo Inquirer: Programming Starting Imminently.

Wolf Schnitzel

''Welcome back to the show! It's been a while, hasn't it? Let's head straight into today's topic of discussion.''

We've headed into the second election of Zhongguo!

As the voters look up the candidates, there is one question on many voters' minds.

Where are the stimulus checks?

Blonde-Haired Newslady

''Yeah, three of the five elected members promised the stimulus, and not a single one even proposed the bill. It's a backstabbing of the people of this nation!''

Chucker Charleston

''I agree, you know, the TRATOROUS JennyBudew, INCOMPETENT Democrats, and GRIFTING MintyMichael have LIED TO THE PEOPLE! It's treason! TREASON!''

Wolf Schnitzel

Mm-hm, and beyond that, what do you suggest is done about it?

Blonde-Haired Newslady

''Well I would propose that we actually deliver the stimulus. All these candidates hopped aboard the stimulus train, surely they at least had a plan!''

Wolf Schnitzel

''What if they merely changed their positions? The emperor himself did raise the concern that no candidate suggested a way to fund the stimulus.''

Chucker Charleston

Well look at professor smartypants over here.

Professor Smartypants

did someone say my name?

Chucker Charleston

SHUT UP OLD MAN!!!

''The candidates PROMISED a stimulus – they should have at least tried to find a way to fund it! Declare war on some American shithole and steal their diamonds, for all I care!''

''I mean, I honestly would be disappointed if any of these liars got re-elected. This Minty Michael character is a LOW-ENERGY GRIFTER with NO BACKBONE and would rather waste TAXPAYER money on feeding his own mouth with SHRIMP SCALLOPINI!''

Blonde-Haired Newslady

''And Jennifer Pokemanz is just delusional. She cares more about the needs of these NPCs; who might I add have always been treated much nicer in Zhongguo than anywhere else; then of her own constituents!''

''I mean, the only competent member in the assembly is the Prime Minister. He OVERDELIVERED on his promises! He promisted his own district would get one enderchest station, and then gave every town in the country one! He's a true patriot, and it's a shame he's not running again – but the rest of this MENDACIOUS FOOLS must be EXPUNGED from parliament at this election!''

Chucker Charleston

''I mean, they're just idiots! The Assembly is mostly made up of Marxists, Anarchists, Agitators, Looters, and people who in many instances have no clue what they are doing!''

''Jenny is a coward! Minty has delusions of grandeur! Pussilamous doesn't ever know what he's talking about, and Tomad doesn't show up for votes half the time!''

Wolf Schnitzel

''And what do you think of their opponents? In district three, Jenny has dropped out, and has endorsed Elephant against SimonOG.''

Blonde-Haired Newslady

''Well Simon is just unimaginative. His policies are all bones, no meat, juice gone, no flow. He doesn't have the pizazz.''

Chucker Charleston

''And Elephant is just insane. He wants to PRIVATIZE CROWNLAND! Is he running to advise the emperor, or to strip the emperor of all his belongings?''

He's a NEOLIBERAL COWARD with the wit of a child.

Wolf Schnitzel

''The wit of a child? Well that's certainly a bold accusation.''

Moving on, we have the return of the Labor party and Mich in Suirenzhen, along with independent candidate Jid.

Chucker Charleston

''You know, whilst I might have criticized Mich in the previous election, anyone is better than this Michaels guy. Mich seems to have more actual policies than the Scallopini-eating GriftyMinty.''

Blonde-Haired Newslady

Jid seems just like Simon to me.

''Yknow, many of these candidates seem to just be saying the same things that everyone in the country agrees on. They need to get some actual propositions on the table.''

Either way, I'd rather have them in the office than ShrimpyMichael.

Wolf Schnitzel

It appears that that's all we have time for today.

Chucker Charleston

''Hey Wolf, by the way, where'd your son go? Did he finally get a job?''

Wolf Schnitzel

''He said "I'm going out." This morning. I tried calling him but he didn-''

The Zhongguo Inquirer: ROOFOF BUILDING IS RIPPED OFF

Robot Wolf Blitzer

WILL YOU CARE ABOUT ME NOW, FATHER?

Chucker Charleston

God damn, you are bad at raising children

The Zhongguo Inquirer: CAMERAMAN IS THROWN OUT OF WINDOW, CAMERA CRUSHED

The Zhongguo Inquirer: The Program Has Ended.

audience boos